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Video & Script: Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live!

October 19, 2008

The highest rated Saturday Night Live in
fourteen years.

“SNL” — with Palin as a guest — averaged a 10.7 rating/24 share in the 56 metered markets, according to preliminary estimates released Sunday by Nielsen Media Research. It would be the highest-rated “SNL” since March 12, 1994, when Olympic skater Nancy Kerrigan was the host and Aretha Franklin the musical guest.

The Alec Baldwin bit is pretty damn funny. I do not care for his politics but love his Schweaty Balls.

LMAO!

Oh and the ever hawt Mark Wahlberg makes an appearance.

Nice. Any time…any place…

“When I say Obama, you say Ayers!”

Script:
The opening sketch is below:

JASON SUDEIKIS – “Good evening, I’m Tim Lydecker Sarah Palin’s spokesman and
we’re very excited to be holding the Governor’s first official press conference.
Now tonight, nothing is off-limits while at the same time, I urge you guys to
‘be cool.’ Seriously guys just be cool. And one last thing: no recording
devices and don’t write anything down.”

(Gathered “reporters” react)

SUDEIKIS – “Worth a shot. Can’t blame me for trying. Without further ado, I
present Governor Sarah Palin.”

(TINA FEY enters as GOVERNOR SARAH PALIN)

FEY AS GOV. PALIN – “First off, I just want to say how excited I am to be in
front of both the liberal elite media as well as the liberal regular media. I
am lookin’ forward to a portion of your questions, so let’s get started. Yes,
you?”

FRED ARMISEN (as reporter):
“What were your thoughts on Senator McCain’s debate performance Wednesday?”

FEY AS GOV. PALIN —
You know, I just thought he was great. Because the American people are angry.
And John McCain is angry too. And you can tell he’s angry by the way he sighs
and
grits his teeth and he’s always goin’ like (MAKES FACE AND GROWLING NOISE). And
that Barack Obama? Well if he’s angry, I certainly can’t tell. His voice is
smooth and when he’s talkin’ it’s like an angel whispering in your ear. He
makes John McCain sound like a garbage truck unloading trash at a landfill. So
to answer your question, yes, I think John McCain did great. You guy?

WILL FORTE (as reporter) – “At a rally in North Carolina this week you said that
you like to visit the quote pro-America parts of the country. Are there parts
of the country that you consider un-American?

FEY AS GOV. PALIN – Y’know , that was just my lame attempt at a joke. But um,
yes – New York, New Jersey, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Delaware and California
(SHE GIVES A THUMBS DOWN). But then also too you have states like Ohio and
Pennsylvania and Florida which could be real real anti-American or real real
pro-American. It’s up to them. (SHE winks) And now I’d like to entertain
everybody with some fancy pageant walkin.’

(CUT TO: “SNL” Executive Producer LORNE MICHAELS and the real GOVERNOR SARAH
PALIN standing next to a monitor watching the scene)

MICHAELS – “I really wish that that had been you.”

GOV. PALIN – “Well, Lorne, you know, I just didn’t think it was a realistic
depiction of how one of my press conferences woulda gone.”

MICHAELS – “Yes, but it’s obviously it’s a heightened reality.”

GOV. PALIN – “Why couldn’t we do the ’30 Rock’ sketch I wrote?”

MICHAELS – “Honestly, not enough people know that show.”

(MARK WAHLBERG ENTERS)

WAHLBERG – “Hey, Lorne?”

MICHAELS – “Mark!”

WAHLBERG -I’m looking for Andy Samberg. Where is he?”

MICHAELS – “Mark, that was all in good fun.”

WAHLBERG — “Are you gonna make me bust your head open too? Because I will.
Where is he?”

MICHAELS – “Third dressing room on the left.”

MW – Thank you

(WAHLBERG storms off)

MICHAELS — He didn’t like the impression we did of him on the show.

GOV. PALIN – “Tell me about it.”

(ALEC BALDWIN enters)

BALDWIN – “Hey Lorne. Hey, Tina. Lorne, I need to talk to you. You can’t let
Tina go out there with that woman. She goes against everything we stand for. I
mean, good Lord, Lorne, they call her…what’s that name they call her? Cari …
Cari — what do they call her again, Tina?”

GOV. PALIN – “That’d be Caribou Barbie.”

BALDWIN – “Caribou Barbie. Thank you, Tina. I mean this is the most important
election in our nation’s history. And you want her, our Tina, to go out there
and stand there with that horrible woman. What do you have to say for
yourself?”

MICHAELS – “Alec, this is Governor Palin.”

GOV. PALIN – “Hi there.”

BALDWIN – “I see. Forgive me, but I feel I must say this — you are way hotter
in person.”

GOV. PALIN – “Why thank you.”

BALDWIN – “I mean, seriously. I can’t believe they let her play you.”
GOV. PALIN – “Thank you, and I must say that your brother Stephen is my favorite
Baldwin brother.”

BALDWIN – “You are a delight. Now come, let me take you for a tour of the
studio. You know, I’ve hosted the show … how many times, Lorne?”

LM – 175 times.

(THEY walk away, the scene cuts back to the press conference)

FEY AS GOV. PALIN – “To answer your question – y’know I don’t worry about the
polls. Polls are just a fancy way of systematically predicting what’s gonna
happen. The only pole I care about is the North Pole and that is melting…it’s
not great.

(BALDWIN walks on stage and whispers in FEY’s ear)

FEY AS SELF
“What? The real one? Byeee!”

(FEY walks off stage, passing PALIN as she exits)

GOV. PALIN – “Thank you. Now I’m not gonna take any of your questions but I do
want to take this opportunity to say Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!!”

Palin’s almost rap number follows:

MEYERS – “And now, here to clear up some misconceptions about her campaign, Vice
Presidential Nominee Sarah Palin.”

GOV. SARAH PALIN – “Thank you Seth, Amy. And thank you for the chance to come
out here. But I’ve been thinking it over and I’m not going to do the piece we
rehearsed.”

MEYERS – “But you were so good at it.”

GOV. PALIN – “I know. It was really fun. But my gut is telling me this is a
bad idea for the campaign.”

MEYERS – “Are you sure?”

GOV. PALIN – “Yes, after a lot of thought. I think it might just cross the
line.”

MEYERS – “Ok, well…in that case, Amy, do you want to do Governor Palin’s part
instead, Amy?”

POEHLER – “I guess I could give it a try…”

MEYERS – “Do you remember it?”

POEHLER – “I kinda remember it … (IN HARDCORE RAP DEMEANOR) 1. 2. 3…”

(A Beat kicks in)

“MY NAME IS SARAH PALIN, YOU ALL KNOW ME,
VICE-PREZZY NOMINEE OF THE GOP,
GONNA NEED YOUR VOTE IN THE NEXT ELECTION,
CAN I GET A WHAT-WHAT FROM THE SENIOR SECTION,
MCCAIN GOT EXPERIENCE,
MCCAIN GOT STYLE,
BUT DON’T LET HIM FREAK YOU OUT,
WHEN HE TRIES TO SMILE,
CUZ THAT SMILE BE CREEPY,
BUT WHEN I’M V.P.,
ALL THE LEADERS IN THE WORLD GONNA FINALLY MEET ME,

(FRED ARMISEN & ANDY SAMBERG enter as ESKIMOS)

POEHLER — (contd)HOW’S IT GO ESKIMOS?TELL TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW ESKIMOS!HOW YA
FEEL ESKIMOS?TELL TELL ME WHAT YOU FEEL ESKIMOS! SAMBERG/ARMISEN —
ESKIMOS!ESKIMOS!ICE COLD!SUPER COLD!
EHLER –
“I’M JEREMIAH WRIGHT CUZ TONIGHT IM THE PREACHER,
I GOT A BOOKISH LOOK AND YOU’RE ALL HOT FOR TEACHER,

(The camera cuts away to Meyers and Gov. Palin enjoying themselves)
(JASON SUDEIKIS enters as TODD PALIN and stands next to POEHLER)

TODD LOOKING FINE ON HIS SNOW MACHINE,
SO HOT FOR EACH OTHER, NEED A GO-BETWEEN,
IN WASILLA, WE JUST CHILL BABY CHILLA
BUT WHEN I SEE OIL, IT’S…”

ALL — “DRILL BABY DRILLA!”

POEHLER –
“MY COUNTRY TIS OF THEE,”
FROM MY PORCH I CAN SEE,
RUSSIA AND SUCH.”

ALL THE MAVERICKS IN THE HOUSE, PUT YOUR HANDS UP,
ALL THE MAVERICKS IN THE HOUSE, PUT YOUR HANDS UP,
ALL THE PLUMBERS IN THE HOUSE, PULL YOUR PANTS UP,
ALL THE PLUMBERS IN THE HOUSE, PULL YOUR PANTS UP,

WHEN I SAY OBAMA,
YOU SAY AYERS,
OBAMA!
SAMBERG/ARMISEN –
“AYERS!”
POEHLER –
“OBAMA!”
SAMBERG/ARMISEN –
“AYERS!”
POEHLER –
“I BUILT ME A BRIDGE AND IT AINT GOING NOWHERE!
OOOOOHHHHHHHH.
MCCAIN/PALIN
GONNA PUT THE NAIL IN
THE COFFIN… OF THE MEDIA ELITE”
SAMBERG/ARMISEN –
“SHE LIKES RED MEAT!”
(A MOOSE ENTERS)
POEHLER –
“SHOOT A MUTHA HUMPIN MOOSE EIGHT DAYS OF THE WEEK,
NOW YOURE DEAD
NOW YOURE DEAD
CUZ I’M AN AMINAL, AND I’M BIGGER THAN YOU
HOLDIN’ A SHOTGUN, WORKIN’ THE PUMP
Everybody party, we GOING ON A HUNT
LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA
YO I’M PALIN I’M OUT!

(AMY, SUDEIKIS AND SAMBERG/ARMISEN EXIT AS SNOW FALLS)

MEYERS – “I think you made the right decision not to do that.”

GOV. PALIN – “You betcha.”

Courtesy of Lynn Sweet.

Related:
Palin & McCain Posed For Cover of Life in 2004

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Leave a Comment
  1. October 19, 2008 1:01 pm

    I thought Palin was fantastic. While Baldwin was nervous looking and reading the cue cards, she was the most relaxed and professional looking one out there. Great sense of humor. There is no way this could hurt her, and it might help. She is hard not to like, unless you are madly in love with abortions.

  2. October 22, 2008 2:12 pm

    It did nothing but HURT her. I don’t understand how on this earth her campaign “guiders” would allow her to appear?! Amazing! But heck, I’m actually glad she did! Helps the Dems!

  3. October 22, 2008 2:48 pm

    Mary
    In your twisted version of reality brought on by OMania perhaps.

  4. October 23, 2008 12:21 pm

    Hysterical! I love it. As Neil says, it makes her more likeable.

    If she can subject herself to SNL, she can handle almost anything. Go, girl!

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